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Wilkommen nach Berlin. My god,
was I happy to get here.

Bitte bringen sie mich zu Swissotel. Ich brauchen Dusche. Ja, ich stinken. Badly. Damn.

After I check in and clean up, I'm going to walk to the nearby bar that apparently caters to intellectuals and artists. That will either be nifty or terribly annoying.

EasyJet rocks. They're a toned down version of Southwest, who I also like a lot. I recommend them for boogeying around Europe. www.easyjet.com.

I'm sitting on the flight looking through the Lonely Planet German phrasebook I borrowed from gammafodder. In addition to being useful, it is funny and extremely direct and practical. For example, here are some of the sex and drugs phrases:

Ich bin heiss. (I am feeling sexy.)
Kannst du mich nach Hause bringen? (Will you take me home?)
Zieh das aus! (Take this off!)
Berühr mich hier! (Touch me here!)
Ich krieg ihn nicht hoch (I can't get it up)
Ich mach es mir selbst. (Don't worry, I'll do it myself.)
Sachte! (Easy, tiger!)
Mit Humor geht alles besser. (It helps to have a sense of humour.)
Bevor wir uns näher kennen lernen, muss ich etwas klarstallen. Ich bin Buchhalterin. (Before this goes any further, I must be up front. I am an accountant.)
Fick mich härter/schneller. (Fuck me harder/softer.)
Wollen wir einen Joint rauchen? (Wanna smoke a joint?)
Ich nehme keine Drogen. (I don't take drugs.)
Ich bin high! (I am high!)

Another good one is in the section on seeing a dentist:

Komen Sie zurück, ich bin noch nicht fertig! (Come back, I haven't finished!)

I'm going to do my best to attempt to speak German. It will be harder than Spanish, but hey: no pain, no gain. This is going to be cool.

Everything in the Swissotel room
was high quality. The toilet
paper seen here isn't just quilted:
each roll was hand-quilted by a
crack team of grannies

I've stayed in a lot of hotels in my time. I've stayed in many nice hotels at someone else's expense. This might be the nicest hotel in which I have stayed, though.

More writing later! Pics later! I'm showered and made up and now it's time to experience late night Berlin!

OK, dammit, I have to bring my phrasebook with me. So far I've managed to get by by pointing at the menu (which is Italian, so rigatoni gorgonzola is, hopefully, rigatoni gorgonzola and not boiled sheep's testicles) and saying "bitte" and "danke." At least I knew to order a mineralwasser.

At least the server let me struggle through my German. I know she speaks English because I heard her speak it to the Mexican guys at the next table.

I've been listening to the German women next to me ask the Mexican guys about what the US is like. They are under the impression that people change their jeans twice a day and their tops five times a day. I'm not sure why. With most Americans you'd be lucky to get them to even get out of their sweatpants. But hey, if the exaggeration helps these guys score, go for it.

I'm missing Toronto's smoke-free restaurants right now.

Hee. Schmuck.

Aha, I've finally localized the keyboard (and Livejournal) to English. The reversed Y and Z were driving me nuts.

I've had a busy day! I was awakened from the most comfortable sleep I've had in months at 8:30 sharp by room service. Apparently the doorbell sound is actually the ringing of the phone. I stumbled for the phone, managing to knock it off and immediately back on hook. I sat, puzzled, for a moment while I waited for a call back. Then it occurred to me that it might be room service, so I grabbed my complimentary bathrobe and went to the door with the most severe bedhead ever seen in Germany. I was greeted by a cheerful woman bearing a giant tray of continental breakfast, including a croissant and a single serving of Nutella, which is what I ate.

MY ROOM HAS ITS OWN
ESPRESSO MACHINE

After my buttered Nutella croissant, cup of coffee and glass of orange juice (which was tasty, if coloured quite unlike orange juice) I was stuffed, so I had to abandon the giant spread of pastries, cheeses and meats and get ready to go. I took a quick soaking bath in my very cool soaking tub, where I kept slipping into the water and almost drowning because I'm too short to prop myself up with my feet. I then hopped in the shower (which is also a very cool corner setup) and headed out to find the U-Bahn.

Let me tell you something. The German mania for efficiency manifests itself in many ways, but the U-Bahn is perhaps the greatest subway system I have ever seen. Like some other big cities, the screens in the stations report the time of the next train. Rathaus Spandau, 3 min, and you're on the train to the house of rats in the next three minutes guaranteed. There are something like nine U-Bahn lines, spastically meandering around the city, but the stations are well marked and it's easy to get around with the system as long as you're used to subways in general.

Mobile phones operate on the subway! How fucking cool is that?

Checkpoint Charlie, the old point
between the American sector
and the Soviet sector.
Now a site of tourist
fromage.

Berlin is a very clean, well designed city, an architecturally interesting mix of old and new. The city's sense of design is fabulous. They have the frosted glass and brushed nickel that I like so much, but they also have a lot of the old stone and brick buildings that I enjoy. The roads are generally well laid out and well marked. Traffic operates well, people mostly obey walk/don't walk signs, and even pedestrians seem to have a grip. The efficient Germans hurry from point A to point B, making my little haul-ass-down-the-sidewalk self happy that I'm not stranded behind people standing on escalators.

I've gotten by in German today with the exception of two incidents: one when a store owner asked me, in German, if I needed help, and the other when the pharmacist asked me if I wanted a small bag. It's obvious to me that they know I'm not a German speaker, but everybody has been totally swell about letting me muddle through. It's amazing how you can get by with just a few words and phrases. I know the differences between U-Bahn and museum admission tickets, but really, as long as you can say "ains, bitte" you're fine. I did get "ains tageskarte, bitte" when I asked for my day pass today. The woman behind the counter said it would be 5.60, and I knew she knew I was an English speaker because she pointed at the little read-out on the cash register in case I didn't understand her. (I didn't, but I already knew how much the day pass cost so I was ready to go.)

2m tall butt-humping stuffed
animals at the Hamburger
Bahnhof contempoary art
museum. How shocking.
*yawn*

Great pate, guys, but I gotta motor if I'm going to make my Moroccan dinner tonight. I'm going to leave Potsdamer Platz in a bit, head back to the hotel, ask the concierge to make reservations for me, take some pics of the room, shower, and go for food. I'll probably hit that smrt-person bar later on, or maybe just go walking around Charlottenberg.

Off to dinner at Kasbah.

Sorry, I just can't get over the fact that Berliners have mobile service while underground on the U-Bahn.

It looks like I'm going to be a couple of minutes late for my reservation. This would stress me out in most situations. Given that I am going to a restaurant run by Germans who, as a nartionality, tend to be freakishly punctual, I'm getting frantic.

One great thing about the subway system is that it tells you exactly how long you have to wait for a train. This makes me less stressed because I have physical evidence that no amount of fretting will make the train come earlier.

There are lots of different styles of U-Bahn trains. The one I am on now offers walls covered with cheap-looking laminated "wood" paneling that would do any 70s basement rec room proud. Another is the yellow series with the articulated floor joint between cars. The whole length of the train is open, and you can walk between cars just like on the double street cars in Toronto. Because of the way the cars are attached, if you look down the train while it is moving, it wiggles around very much like a snake.

Indeed. Five minutes late. They haven't yet taken me out back to execute me. In fact, they brought me a drink!

I just finished and am now on my way back. The restaurant is a bit out of the way--I had to change subway lines three times--but it was worth it. Kasbah is well-decorated and welcoming, with nice warm lighting and a lounge feel.

My friend Jamie once observed that my descriptive narration is littered with superlatives. It's true. In keeping with tradition, I have to tell you that the food at Kasbah is sublime. Exquisite. Nearly orgasmic. I had a small b'stilla and followed it with a main of cous cous, chicken and vegetables. I love good Moroccan food for its subtlety, and this was exceptionally well done Moroccan food.

The service was very slow because they make everything from scratch to order. While waiting for the b'stilla I was having visions of cannibalising the two people seated next to me. I might have followed through with it if they hadn't been chain smokers.

Totally worth the wait, though. GET IN MAH BELLEH!

One thing I've learned in all of my travelling is not to stick to the guide book. I've been using Lonely Planet's city guide for Berlin, and while it does point you towards some cool stuff, often the cooler stuff is not in the book. This goes for all books, by the way: Lonely Planet is a better series, but not perfect.

Last night on the way home I passed a club, so after I got back I changed into my little tart outfit and went out again. Much like Toronto, stuff here doesn't really get going until 1-2am. I had no problem getting into the club, which was completely signless, so I'm not even sure what the name of it was. There was no cover charge (I was early? Or was it because I was a girl?), but there weren't many people there. The early DJ was as good or better than most of our 2-3am DJs. He was spinning a house set, but not the cheeseball vocal house stuff: this was good, dark, deep house with a serious groove. And LOUD. Holy shit. I had a couple of drinks, shook my booty, and then left because it's not as much fun to be in a club when there are only, like, twenty people there, and they're all in little clique groups. It had started to pick up by the time I left, but I'd accomplished my goal of going to a club in Berlin. Check one more item off of the list!

The interior of the club was groovy, like a hipper and more organic (but much smaller) version of Kool Haus. I wish I could have taken pictures. I'll walk by it today, try to locate the name, and see if I can find the place in a city guide and link to its website.

I really want to show Canada's anti-smoking ads over here. My mod dress smelled like smoke. Even my coat, which I checked, smelled like smoke. The hotel is going to have my dress dry cleaned for me, but I couldn't give up my coat 'cuz I need it today! The smoking thing is one reason I couldn't hack living in Europe after being spoiled by Toronto. I'll bet it contributes to their air pollution. If they plan on meeting their Kyoto commitments they're going to have to drop the butts.

High of 5C today. Off to the hotel buffet, to see Nefertiti's bust (huh huh), and then to the embassy district to dig on some architecture.

The Mexican embassy. This quality
piece of architecture was produced
by the country best known in North
America for cheap, gaudily
covered souvenirs. Nice
work, boys!

I just finished my walking tour around Tiergarten, taking in lots of embassies. Wowzers. Foreign embassies in Canada look positively anemic by comparison.

On to the Daimler Chrysler Contemporary museum to see, presumably, more bum-humping stuffed animals.

The panhandlers work the U-Bahn here. They make no attempts to hide the needle marks in their arms. It's sad.

While walking the length of the train they keep up a non-stop narrative, obviously well-rehearsed even though I don't speak German. It probably goes something like:

HELLOMYNAMEISKLAUSIAMDOWNONMYLUCKBECAUSEMYWIFEWALKEDOUTONMEAND
TOOKOURBABYANDMYSISTERSHESLEEPSWITHMYBROTHERSOMYBOSSFIREDMEBECAUSEI
HAVENOTIMEFORWORKWITHTAKINGMYSISTERFORANABORTIONANDMYBROTHERFOR
AVASECTOMYSOHEWILLSTOPPUTTINGHISWANGINMYSISTERTOMAKEHERPREGNANTANDI
DON'TKNOWWHEREMYSONISILOVEHIMVERYMUCHSOWILLYOUPLEASEGIVEMECHANGE
SOTHATICANTAKETHETRAINTOMUNICHTOFINDMYSONWHOISPROBABLYTHEREWITHHIS
GRANDMOTHER...

And on and on.

Just like Torontonians, Berliners deal with panhandlers by pretending that there is something really interesting on the floor, something worthy of a focused, two-minute stare. I've never seen such a beautiful piece of trod-upon gum!

The panhandlers work the U-Bahn here. They make no attempts to hide the needle marks in their arms. It's sad.

Four exceptionally attractive and well-dressed Italian men just lef the U-Bahn. They stand out like sore thumbs in a sea of bland Northern Europeans. One of them even made long hair look really stylish.

I am in KaDeWe's chocolate section now.

Oh.

My.

God.

I just now successfully navigated an entire conversation in Spanish. I needed to arrange meeting the people at the apartment tomorrow. It was painful for both of us, I am sure. I had to keep asking the woman, and then her male companion, to speak slowly, but with the help of a pocket dictionary I was able to get my point across. I can't believe I just did that!!

You can park them perpendicular to
other cars. I WANT ONE NOW.

So.

Ein Smart Car, bitte. Jetzt.

You can park them perpendicualr to regular cars and they still fit.

"I have GOT to get me one of these!"

Massage-riffic. Room service, bitte!

So. Phone.

Me: My phone doesn't work.

Laura: Have you tried turning it off and on?

Me: Yes. Hold on, I'll try it again.

*pause*

*pause*

Me: Um. Oops. That worked.

The thing I like about Chilean wines is that they have ZING!

Just in case you were wondering.

Well, I'm winding things up tonight. I'm going to have a nice, warm bath and read my book, then go to bed early. I've been sleeping sooooooo well in this bed.

I've had a fabulous stay in Berlin. I got a lot of walking in and saw tons of cool stuff, far more than you get to voyeuristically experience through my photo gallery. I feel like I actually experienced the city, rather than following what the guide books say to do. I've even considered writing my own mini-guidebook. :) I'm happy. I'll definitely come back.

Tomorrow morning I head back to the airport and hop a flight to Barcelona, where I'll be staying in a fabu apartment in the upscale Eixample district just west of the university, right on one of the main streets, and just steps from the Metro. I'm going to do something similar to what I've done in Berlin, though at an even more relaxed pace. It's hard to imagine being more chilled out than I am, but I'm going to give it a try.

Staircase at the Picasso museum.

BTW: Aegyptisches museum: *shrug*. Lots of screaming kids and crowds (admission was free this afternoon) so I didn't really stay. There are better collections in other cities anyway. Like at the Met. I've seen enough Egyptology exhibits in my life to feel pretty confident that I didn't miss anything.

Resolved: three to four days is the perfect amount of time to get a feel for a city. I could have spent longer, but I wouldn't want to be here any less time than I've been today. I'll be spending four days in Barcelona and three in Paris. Considering that I plan to spend most of that time checking out little shops, trying on shoes and eating tapas and croissants, I think I'll be fine.

The Weather Channel is reporting a high of 14-16C in Barcelona (low of 6C) for the duration of my visit. Rock!

Berlin: I will miss your clean, efficient ways and unique character. Also, I will miss my in-room espresso machine.

Barcelona: I look forward to your tapas bars and afternoon siestas. ¡Arriba!

The German word for "airport" is "Flughafen". I've decided I love German. I've had fun making jokes about being a stupid English speaker, but the German language is pretty fucking cool. I mean, look at this:

Airport
versus
Flughafen (pronunced FLOOG-hah-fen)

Now tell me, which looks better? They're both the same thing: Flughafen means "flight port" or "flight harbour". But their word is way better than ours.

I like that German constructs ninety-eight-letter words by stringing smaller words together. It's a modular language, made extensible as if it had been constructed by a particularly anal-retentive programmer who hated to have to write new functions when combinations of existing functions would do just fine. The Germans have a word for everything. You have to admire the forward-looking nature of it.

In addition to pronounced similar syntactic similarities between German and English, German is pretty easy for an English speaker to understand because Germans (well, Berliners, anyway) enunciate carefully. Each syllable of a word is to be savoured, like a delectable chocolate treat placed gently on the tongue.

Mmmm, chocolate.

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